Have you ever fallen deeply in love with the idea of someone loving you, only to realize that it will never come to pass? When that realization hits, it can shatter your heart into a million pieces. It’s puzzling how one can become enamored with the notion of a person in their life who never truly wants to be in it.
I fell in love with the dream of one day meeting my father. That dream came to fruition when I was just 13 years old. That phone call and the many that followed filled a void I had for years, a void I didn't even know existed.
Growing up, I shared wonderful memories with my grandpa, uncles, and cousins who showered me with love. They made me feel cherished, and often, I didn't feel the absence of my father's love as acutely as I might have. Yet, I found myself daydreaming in elementary school, imagining a soldier walking through the doors to find me. I had a scenario scripted, but that was all it was—an illusion of connection.
Growing up, I shared wonderful memories with my grandpa, uncles, and cousins who showered me with love. They made me feel cherished, and often, I didn't feel the absence of my father's love as acutely as I might have. Yet, I found myself daydreaming in elementary school, imagining a soldier walking through the doors to find me. I had a scenario scripted, but that was all it was—an illusion of connection.
When that phone call opened the door to communication, and I finally met him at 16, I wish I could tell you it marked the beginning of a lasting relationship. Sadly, it didn't. Now nearing 50, I can't recall the last time we spoke. Altogether, we've met only about seven times. In recent years, I've noticed that each birthday feels heavier, the same goes for Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Christmas…. I find myself feeling sad and disappointed as I wait for a birthday text or phone call that never comes. This pain often leaves me questioning why it affects me so deeply as an adult. Is it the visibility of a life he lives, where he is a father and grandfather to others, while my family remains nonexistent in his world? How dare I expect something when the man I met over the phone, whom I barely know?
Whatever the reasons might be, I thank God for the blessing this far and forgive the offense. I've come to realize that I am continuously enduring a grieving process. I grieve the loss of love I never truly had—a love that wasn't mine, a love that never fully blossomed. I rely on what the word says to find comfort and pray Holy Spirit teaches me to be a better spouse and parent to purposely plant different seeds into my children and their future families and watchful that it never develops into hidden issues or strongholds the enemy can use to hinder marriage.
Yet, even in this place of pain, I find solace in God's everlasting love. In Psalm 34:18, it says, "The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." This verse serves as a reminder that even in our most profound grief, we are not alone. We can lay our burdens before Him and seek the healing that only His love can provide.
As we navigate the complexities of relationships and unfulfilled longings, may we hold onto the hope that God sees our pain and is always ready to embrace us with love and comfort.
